As the church, what works better: to curse the darkness or light a candle? Many seem convinced that God is calling them to curse. First and foremost. This seems especially true in matters of sexuality.
For example, consider the issue of couples living together outside of marriage. For some church leaders, this is the ultimate test for admittance. If a couple is “shacking up” and then asks the pastor to officiate a wedding, the couple is frequently disqualified from marrying in that church. In some churches, unmarried individuals who are living together are denied membership or fellowship in the congregation. “You are living in sin–and we will not condone that in this church,” is the cry.
How is this approach working out? Sadly, I know many people who have been shunned over this issue and have walked away from the church. Some have abandoned their faith.
Yes, scripture is quite clear about God’s idea for marriage. And we displease God anytime we live outside of God’s will in any way. But how can the church be most helpful in bringing people into the light of God’s will?
Lighting a candle
The leaders of a church in Colorado chose to address some of these sexuality and relationship issues in a direct–but surprising–way. The pastors were well aware that some of their people were living together outside of marriage. After a sermon series outlining God’s desires for men and women, the pastors could have concluded with a predictable cursing of living together, and left it there. Instead, they stunned the congregation–and the community–with a novel and grace-filled offer.
The pastors had become aware that couples avoided marriage for many reasons, including the high financial cost of weddings. So, they announced a special offer. For those who were ready for a Christian wedding, the church would provide–for free–the ceremony, the pastor, the venue, and even the wedding photographer.
Did it work? Well, more than 90 couples stepped forward to be married, one after another in a marathon of separate weddings.
These couples and the entire congregation witnessed how a church shows Jesus-style grace, shines light, and leads God’s people into his will. This wedding blitz is another example of Radical Hospitality, one the “four acts of love” described in Why Nobody Wants to Go to Church Anymore.
What might happen if more churches would spend more energy and creativity on shining light than bellowing curses?
Next “holy soup” on homosexuality, please. How is it different from the couples you spoke about living together. How can we light a candle concerning them?
Lulubelle, see some thoughts here in my earlier post: http://holysoup.com/2014/02/25/gay-debate-the-churchs-dangerous-dilemma/
Thank you for sharing the above message and also the Gay Debate. Thank you for being willing to openly discuss the tough topics with love and grace. Thank you for LifeTree Cafe.
One can be married in Hillsborough, NC for just 20 dollars for a marriage license. The venue, either the post office or dn the street the local jail. Line in jail was shorter, we choose the jail. No pastor, no photographer, venue is free, just have to say the magic words, smile and head for the door. Israel was forced to recognize it, civil marriage here does not exist, so many people go to Cyprus for the ‘main event’, we choose the jail instead.
Reblogged this on #sammoments and commented:
Food for thought.
Another great example of the church loving! These examples are very helpful! Thank you for taking the time to find and tell us about them!
I’ve been in ministry over 30 years and performed nearly 100 weddings. The first wedding I had the bride was already pregnant. As far as I know, they are still married. I’d venture to say I think I could count on one hand the number of couples who had not already “consummated” their relationship. Many were openly living together. Some already had children together. I was honored to be able to bless their relationship in a religious ceremony.
Some people have tried to say that those who live together before marriage are more likely to divorce, yet the best recent research does not bear that out. There seems to be little, if any, difference in the divorce rate between those who live together first and those who don’t.
I think we in the church are called to accept others regardless of lifestyle and find ways to bless their lives by letting them know God loves them. One can have standards and still be accepting because high moral standards does not make one morally superior to others.
But the horrible guilt can and does remain on people who violate the scripture. A marriage ceremony does not necessary address the sin problem . It just covers it up so it later reappears as some other addiction. Too many Pastors marry people whose relationships are shallow from having sex before marriage. When they implode this is the number one reason.
My church is dealing with this issue, as well, and our pastor has pretty much made the same offer. Most couples are accepting the offer.
On the other hand, a friend of mine shared how her aunt just got married to the man she had been living with for over 20 years. Not only that, but they shared a business and had children together.
When she read the Bible, she realized she was living in sin and didn’t want to do that anymore, so rather than take the easy route of just saying “I do”, the couple separated for a time and they courted.
Her (now) husband was diagnosed with cancer during their courtship and she would go and care for him but then leave. They wanted to make things right BEFORE coming together in marriage.
I was so impressed by what this couple did by not just taking the easy route to marriage, but by stepping back, starting over and making it right before the Lord PRIOR to their marriage. Ideally, I truly believe that this pleased God far more than just a marriage ceremony to correct the sin. How honorable this couple was!
Great words, Thom, as usual. You’ve hit the nail on the head. The only assumption I would challenge is that the Bible is crystal clear on what marriage is. According to many Scriptures in the Old Testament, God-approved marriage includes man and a woman, man and a woman and her property (ie., slaves), man and a woman and her concubines, a man plus multiple women, the required marriage of a man and his brother’s widow, the required marriage of a woman to her rapist, and the forced marriages of slaves (as well as other varieties). My point is only that we all assume that the Bible is clear about certain issues, but it’s not as clear as we think. Which speaks to exactly what you’re talking about — the need for love above all else.
Unfortunately, it was a few years before my son and his wife could get married; they too had lived together and had a child…unfortunately the reason for waiting – until they felt it was financially feasible. They were and are both Christian but the minister of their church would not perform the ceremony – I think he finally realized they were serious in their wish to be married in their home church, and were married there (a month before the preacher left the ministry). How they handled it, before they even moved in together, was to have their own ceremony with the Lord…He is the one who truly blessed their togetherness as a couple.
I love this blog post. Only problem is my church doesn’t see a problem with living together. So how do you proceed with that??
Mary Wagner
Date: Wed, 28 Jan 2015 12:10:08 +0000 To: marylwagner@outlook.com
I’d be looking for another church. Pronto.
The Word clearly says sex outside of marriage is sin. Throwing away the excuse of “in the olden days, marriage was this/that/the other,” today marriage is recognized as one man, one woman making a commitment either in church or before a judge or justice of the peace. It’s a legally binding act that society recognizes as a family. I see this movement as just one more step away from Bible-based living and another attempt to be “culturally relevant” instead of standing for what’s right and how the Word tells us to live. You can get married in a church in a regular dress and shirt/tie combo, or even in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. What is important is the presence of God and the commitment of the couple to fidelity, exclusivity and staying faithful to one partner for life. It’s one thing to acknowledge sin, repent, and then get married in a church as a sign of forgiveness; it’s another to gloss over the sin entirely and pretend it’s all okay. When we start compromising to keep people in the church, we’re heading down a slippery slope that will leave us as it was in the time of Noah or, even worse, as it was in Lot’s time. There won’t be a way to distinguish between the Church and the world because celibacy before marriage won’t matter; sin won’t require repentance; oh, it’s all okay…..we’re all the same in the eyes of God……Yes, we are — we’re all sinners in need of forgiveness and salvation through grace, which causes us to change our lives on the outside because our hearts have changed on the inside. This article makes my heart sad, and I feel like God is also saddened to see His body cheapening itself and compromising in order not to offend people. Jesus was beaten and hung on a cross because He preached uncompromising holiness….why doesn’t that matter any more? God help us…..God forgive us for cheapening the cost of grace…..
Amen, OmaTrisha! Thank you for saying so well exactly what needed to be said. May we never, ever forget the incredible cost that Jesus paid for our salvation. And may we walk it out, never taking it for granted.
Actually Jesus never preached uncompromised holiness, he was beaten and hung on a cross because he confronted those who DID preach and practice uncompromised holiness. He died because he was bold enough to tell them there was no holiness apart from his, that from him would be no condemnation, and forgiveness would be provided freely and in abundance. Cheapening the cost of Grace? It’s not possible. He came not for the righteous but for sinners, not for the innocent but for the guilty. Get your hands dirty, hang out with those with whom Christ hung out, love the sinner and in so doing, find yourself daily in need of the same Savior.
Excellent response! That’s good theology.
Thom, in Haiti some pastors have used this strategy for the past 20 years. Today, churches that adopt this practice have reduce the number of couples living in sin, reduction of young adult getting married due to pregnancy. I should mention, in some cases the pastor would ask for prenatal test in case of young adults that want a quick wedding and always HIV test.
As a pastor I always want to respond with grace and love, even in the case of cohabitation. Cohabitation is a sin. Marriage does not solve that problem. Should a cohabiting couple be married? Maybe so, but the answer to this or any sin is repentance–not marriage. Marriage merely skips over the issue. It is only as a couple acknowledges their sin and repents, that God’s grace and forgiveness can be known. Ignoring sin or pretending it doesn’t exist is not the gracious or loving thing to do. Couples, from the beginning, need to make Christ the Lord of their marriage. When Christ is Lord of their lives, the marriage will reflect Christ and the church. Anything less is cheap grace.
Amen! Just dealing with the issue and not the sin behind it doesn’t say much of anything. We are called to repent of our sins, and then turn and live right. Allowing people to just go ahead and marry in a church that preaches Biblical standards for marriage is the same as condoning premarital sex.
Miler, how should one interpret the term “cheap grace”? Especially in the context of your advocacy of repentance as a prerequisite for marriage, I think many would assume “cheap grace” to imply that God would never be so irresponsible that he would extend grace without cost to us–that it is something we must earn. That, my friends, seems to be in contradiction to the very essence of grace–a gift that we do not deserve and can never “earn.”
You are so correct pastor, marriage does not solve the problem of sin any more than an ordination or church attendance. Grace has never been cheap as it was paid for on a cross. The church’s job is not to diagnose the sin or write the prescription for the correct amount of grace, our job is to simply and generously dispense the grace. Again, you are correct, sin does exist, and where it exists, grace is to abound. Why would you call an abundance of grace, cheap?
Leah wrote on Facebook: “Yeah, bellowing curses has a way of boomeranging and coming back at your face with people getting angry at church. It’s much more edifying all around to attract people with encouragement and generosity without trying to control them. A simple offer can be amazing!”
Jonathan commented on Facebook: “When the church offered the free weddings, it’s still saying (without saying) that the current condition of the relationship isn’t what it should be for a Christian couple. It’s saying in a nice way, “Living together isn’t right for a Christian couple to do, so we’ll help you do the right thing by offering a free wedding.” What this church did is a brilliant approach at saying what needs to be said gracefully (and I mean that– for a church with the financial means to do so, this is a fantastic idea), but what would the church’s response be (that church or any other church) if those people refused the free wedding and continued living together outside of marriage? Would those couples be permitted to continue volunteering in ministry leadership positions while refusing to marry or live separately or something else? How could the right thing be said/done without coming across the wrong way?”
Carl responded on Facebook: “If it were up to me, I would welcome everybody. The local church congregation should not be a museum for “Saints”. We should welcome all – regardless of marriage status, sexual orientation or any other social categories. That said, I think the offer in the article is a good first step. We have to start someplace.”
Mark wrote on Facebook: “If we disqualify people for sinning, even willfully, who is actually qualified to volunteer in church. I believe god sees sin as sin. I also believe he forgave it all, once and for good!”
But in light of that what Mark wrote on FB, we are called to walk by the Spirit and NOT by the flesh. Is it easy? Heck, no! Nor can it be done in our own strength, for sure, but only by staying tethered to the Lord, for He said we can do nothing on our own, and that includes avoiding sin.
However, that is what the sanctification process is all about. All I know is that 27 years later, I am still undone by what Jesus has done on my behalf, and I love Him too much to think that I can willfully sin on a continual basis and all is good because it’s “paid for”.
I know that I want more than anything to please my Lord because of the great price He paid for me.
Do I sin? Oh, ya. But the more I press into Him the more I grieve over my stumbles and I try to pick myself up, by His grace and strength, and keep pressing forward as I allow Him to conform me to His likeness.
We HAVE to recognize our own stuff and be willing to deal with it as He points it out to us. I don’t know how anyone can truly look at what Jesus did and love Him and still think it’s OK to casually stay in or excuse our sin. Or worse, to say that “something wrong is now right” and “something right is now wrong”. Woe unto us when we, like the rest of the world, do that.
Christy commented on Facebook: “Huh. I’ve been advocating weddings free of cost at my churches for many years, mainly because of the cost and extravagance beyond the reasonable means of couples who often go into debt to pay for unnecessary expenses they feel socially obligated to incur. In my pipe dream, churches will ONLY conduct weddings with this arrangement, removing the perceived need to meet onerous standards too many couples cannot afford.”
[…] January 28, 2015 by Thom Schultz 20 Comments […]
I would marry a co-habitating couple if their reason for marriage was not because the church offered to cover the cost but because they realized that living together was sin. Offering to help couples with wedding expenses and the like is a wonderful testimony of grace and a fine example of true Christian community. But such an offer should not be seen as a cheap way to cover over sin. The Apostle Paul dealt with sexual immorality sternly with the intention of repentance and restoration (1 Cor. 5). He also noted that sexual relations between a man and a woman ought to be within the covering of marriage (1 Cor. 7:1-2). I too like the “feel good” story that Thom shared about the church’s offer. But many of the comments I’ve read miss the point of the necessity of repentance and restoration. If Christian couples defy God’s directives because they’re inconvenient or too costly, how will relieving them of the perceived financial constraints move them closer in their walk with the Lord?
Amen, Ray.
My husband and I, realizing we were being tempted to engage in premarital sex, chose instead to go to the courthouse and get married so that we wouldn’t be violating God’s laws. A church wedding isn’t a necessity. It’s nice, but it’s not the only way to get married. The excuse of not being able to afford a church wedding is one of many people use to justify living in sin. If we just throw a blanket over it in the guise of a free wedding, what is that saying about the absoluteness of God and the necessity of mankind to have a Savior, to repent and be forgiven? We are going too far when we stop saying sin is sin. What’s next?
The two stories i read about shacking up and the gay debate were awesome you are a leader in the christian faith i dont know when the tieds turned but Christianity has turner away from teaching and acting out Gods love and been teaching and acting out His judgment and rath completely overlooking that He is the Only One who can judge
The bible says” Let a man leave his father and mother and cleave unto his wife.” Honestly, I think marriage is a state of mind and this ceremony or license thing is a big cultural human tradition. I don’t know that God ever required a ceremony. Any ceremony should just be a celebration of two cleaving together and to let all friends and family know “We are together. We are one”. Even ring wearing is a cultural thing (I stopped wearing mine). Aren’t we a slave to so many traditions? Anyone ever step outside of yourself, outside of culture and take a good look and ask, “What am I doing? What are we doing?” “Why am I and why are we doing these things and doing this stuff to ourselves?” I think the term for this is “self actualization”. This stepping outside myself thing is and has been causing a lot of change with me over the last years: this “why am I doing this?” “I don’t know.” then I just stop doing that. All this ingrained thinking and traditional stuff is just going *poof*. Yea, get those living together to celebrate each other in a celebration of marriage to show all that they two are now one.
sort of what I was saying when my son and his ‘wife’ did their vows only in the presence of God until later in years when they married in a church…God recognized their marriage and that was what mattered to them.
No, Ryan, marriage is not just a “marriage and license thing”. Even Jesus went to a wedding celebration. Mary & Joseph were betrothed to one another and obviously went through a marriage ceremony.
I have a “Christian” friend who has been living with her “husband” for eight years and refuses to marry him. Why is that?
When I got married, I stood before family, friends and God and made a solemn vow to love, honor and cherish my husband for better or worse. I thought enough of my spouse and those who loved me, and most importantly, God, to make that sacred promise.
Yes, the legal things required to authenticate a marriage may be a pain, but it demonstrates a person’s commitment to the covenant of marriage and its importance and significance in the eyes of God.
No one says there has to be an expensive ceremony. That’s what backyards, barns, city halls and most of all, churches are for.
When we’re not willing to do the “hard stuff” or the “inconvenient stuff” or the “expensive stuff”, I think it says a lot about our willingness to stick it out for the long haul.
Free thinking critical thinkers like me can be a little infuriating when we challenge the status quo. I’ve been married and still happily married passing 22 years. I went through the whole expensive ceremony stuff back when I wasn’t so free of thought, more enslaved to religious and cultural traditions. I had already been pushing back on other traditions at the time. I was never a crowd follower or given to pier pressure back in high school. I did my own thing. As an introvert, what others thought of me didn’t matter. I had my one best friend at a time and very small circle of acquaintances.
The question is, “Exactly at what point are two people really married?” Is it when two decide to be husband and wife, the point of engagement, or when they say the cultural, “I do’s”? Is it when a license is granted or when a pastor or priest pronounces them husband and wife? Is it when they begin to live together away from father and mother in unity as one. Maybe it is when a man and woman have sex for the first time apart from any marriage decision. Then sex with any other after the first is adultery.
I think the ceremony part where two publicly announce their joining seems to have turned into law in that with out this or something like, two cannot be considered married. As usual, as with other traditions and beliefs, people run to the bible, piece-part verses together to build a man-made ‘this is what God expects’ tradition that is then impressed on society as ‘truth’, ‘the way it is and suppose to be’. Then someone like me comes along and says, “Hey, wait a minute. I disagree and I challenge this status quo.” Every now and then we need to strip ours and every other worldly cultures traditions away clean, go back to Genesis 2, ask the good ‘why’ and ‘what’s the point’ questions. Strip away the complexities and go back to what it simply was suppose to be in the beginning.
Wow.
When Jesus spoke with the woman at the well, He called her out on living with a man who was not her husband (i.e., a marriage did not take place).
It is not easy to dissolve a marriage, which is as it should be. There are legal and moral implications, as well. That’s how serious the covenant of marriage is.
By simply determining to be “husband and wife” without societal and legal recognition is simply taking the lazy way out just in case things go by the wayside. No harm, no foul.
There’s is great significance is the actual covenant of marriage. It is an institution established by God as a depiction of Christ’s relation to the church. It’s very, very serious stuff in which a vow must be taken and adhered to.
To cheapen what God has established and ordained, as only He rightly can, is absolutely tragic.
How often we deceive ourselves by profaning what is holy and exalting what is profane in the sight of God.
Thom commented about the use of the term “cheap grace” as one commenter used it in response to the post on marriage. Here’s Dietrich Bonhoeffer’s own definition: “Cheap grace is the preaching of forgiveness without requiring repentance, baptism without church discipline. Communion without confession. Cheap grace is grace without discipleship, grace without the cross, grace without Jesus Christ” (The Cost of Discipleship).
John commented on Facebook: “This is Christian love… not a sentimental love that overlooks the sin, but a love that embraces the sinner and shows the way out. That is Grace!”
responding to Ryan – right on brother in Christ. This is what I was trying to say on Jan 28 about my son who lived with his now ‘church sanctioned’ wife prior to the traditional church wedding…why should people, even preachers, be critical of those who say their wedding vows to God privately…why do ‘Christians’ want to judge when that is a God decision? The day they said their I do to each other in faith to their Lord, I believe God blessed their marriage, even without the service of a preacher or others saying I now pronounce you…God did the pronouncing then and only He has the right to judge the marriage union. Thanks for being courageous to share your beliefs on this posting.
http://www.gotquestions.org/common-law-marriage.html
Wow, that is a great example of loving like Jesus.
That was a beautiful, loving, call to repentance!
My boyfriend and I want to move in together. I go to school in a different city and he needs to get out of his parents house. It just makes sense. Many of our family members have stated their disapproval. One of the biggest being that we aren’t married. My grandmother says we might as well just go to the court house and make it legal that way we aren’t sinning. My issue is we don’t want to “just get married” but we do want to incorporate God in our decision I think this is very important and a key element to having a strong relationship. I’ve researched a few things on a unity ceremony and that sounded exactly like what I had in mind. I want their to be a union between God, my boyfriend, and I but I think a big wedding just isn’t personal enough. Would it not be pleasing to have something small literally just the three of us and recite something ? Or do we still say we would just be “shacking up”?
It’s as simple as Genesis 2:24, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” Anyway as far as ‘making it legal’ with the state, that’s a separate thing apart from God for the whole tax purpose thing. You can always have a wedding later for the sake of family and friends, for them and have a celebration. You know some just can’t accept two as married unless they do the whole ritual thing. That’s the result of cultural ‘conditioning’. I call marriage a ‘state of mind between two people’. By believing your married, you’ll live and act as you are married. So of course there will be those who will tell you your not to get you to doubt you are. They just can’t believe you are unless you do the ritual thing or get a license like you can’t possibly be married without the state’s permission. I laugh. Yea, I’m one who has and still is breaking free of societal brainwashing. You know if you think about it, you can literally do anything you want unless someone comes along and forcibly stops you. As far as having such freedom, you still have to live by common sense. Do anything you want but think ahead and weigh the possible results. God’s ways will have you living the most peaceable life and sometimes you’ll see the need to follow some traditions for the sake of others even though you find them pointless. It all depends on the situation and who your dealing with.