At the start of another year I’m reflecting on the ever-emerging trends in vital equipment for the modern church. As I travel extensively around the country and world, I’ve noticed a number of popular items that were not commonplace in churches a decade ago.
So, maybe it’s time to come out with a new catalog of modern church equipment essentials. Let me know if the following contemporary items look tempting.
HI-STYLE VEST
$22.95
PARKING ATTENDANT VESTS. It seems more and more churches are activating parking lot attendants for Sunday mornings. And it’s not just the big churches. I’ve seen brightly-clad traffic directors at churches with just 30 or 40 attendees. Visiting children have been heard to exclaim, “This is just like Disneyland’s parking lot!” And mom and dad no longer need to pray to God for an open parking spot. Vests are available in several stylish fluorescent colors. Embroidered church logos are extra. But denominational logos have been discontinued.
OFFERING KIOSKS
$400 – $2000
DONATION KIOSKS. Modern technology is replacing the intrusive usher shoving an offering plate in your face. Since nobody carries cash or checks anymore, a swipe of the credit card makes the tithe fast, easy and relatively painless. These units seem to be especially preferred by the growing number of people who tend to choose the self-checkout lanes at the supermarket. Upcoming kiosk models may offer the option of a live HD video feed from the church treasurer thanking you for your transaction.
EAR PLUG DISPENSER
$55 (ear plugs extra)
EAR PLUG DISPENSERS. These are becoming standard equipment for churches with big sound systems. Complimentary disposable ear plugs are the perfect solution for all those fuddy-duddies who complain that the 110-decibel music hurts their ears. Worshippers have also found these brightly colored ear plugs to provide an unexpected witnessing opportunity. After church, when they sit down at Denny’s, servers often ask, “What are those yellow things sticking out of your ears?” This conversation-starter offers the perfect opportunity to say, “We just came from Relevant Church, where they encourage us to block the sound.” Note: the old assistive hearing earpieces once used in churches are no longer available.
CINEMA SEATING
$499 per seat
THEATER SEATING. Any self-respecting modern church today installs cushy theater-style seating. It’s become a demand of spectator audiences who wish to settle in for an hour of pleasant presentation from the stage or screen. Seating options include beverage holders, suitable for accommodating cups on communion Sundays. This style of seating must be permanently fixed to the floor, which always ensures unobstructed views of the backs of the heads in the next row, and discourages congregational interaction.
FOG MACHINES
$50 – $1200
FOG MACHINES. Modern musical presentations from the stage seem more professional and awe-inspiring when enveloped in artificial fog. Theatrical lighting (available separately) illuminates the oozing fog and provides an ethereal setting for the modern church praise band. When not in use on Sunday morning, youth groups often use worship fog machines for special seasonal events such as Halloween haunted houses.
Having a little fun here with some colorful examples of actual church spending. I’ll conclude with something though that’s no joke.
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Jesus-Centered Bible
$34.99
JESUS-CENTERED. This last one we’ve actually already added to the catalog. It’s called the Jesus-Centered Bible, which encourages users to orbit their lives around a true relationship with Jesus. Red letters in the New Testament and blue letters in the Old Testament point to Jesus at every turn. Though some may think Jesus is a bit old fashioned, he’s proving to be the most potent resource that some churches are utilizing. In fact, some churches are revolving their entire ministries around this Jesus. Other churches in their communities may be known for other trendy things. But these churches have developed an infectous reputation for being distinctively “Jesus-centered.”
Too funny, Thom. I spot a couple local churches in the story (even though you don’t mention any by name).
Thanks for the laugh as I eat my breakfast.
After reading the above comment, my suspicion is confirmed: Sarcasm once again.
Sarcasm where? In my post or the article?
Great point well taken! We just need Jesus!
Hilarious. Thanks for a great start to my morning.
You hit the nail on the head…only you forgot to mention that all of these new fangled worldly apparatices are keeping people from going to church….our churches are sad pitiful places any more….
Just plain sad when we can see the truth in that.
Thom, you are brilliant and insightful. Following you is a valuable education. I enjoy your humor, but each item you lampooned is a valuable tool in the hands of good-hearted people. The “dones” are done because of how we treat each other, not because of the fog machines.
Funny if not so sad.
I hadn’t seen the Jesus Centered Bible. Who knew you needed that to stay centered on track?
I haven’t decided to laugh or cry and I’ve been ruminating on this all day. In fact, I haven’t really decided whether it’s sarcasm—or not (intent almost doesn’t matter because it’s all true in this case!) . It IS the state of the Church today in N. America and all for well intended reasons, yet none of it is needed for a relationship with the Master.
I think it reflects a belief system of ‘what it takes to get people to come to church’ which in itself reflects the even more common belief that it’s all about going to church in the first place. Too many believe that the ‘key’ is to get folks into church where ‘something good can happen’, I mean, they might even, possibly, maybe get saved or something! Church has become the endgame and that, to reference Ed’s comment is why the ‘dones’ are done.
If people believed in personal responsibility for disciple making, folks would be in fellowship regardless of legal beagle safety lawyers, snazzy (loud) praise bands and comfy seats. The ‘next thing’ in study Bibles wouldn’t be sought after nor would ear plugs, fog machines or giving kiosks. They’d be unnecessary. But I digress….
Really well put, Heartspeak. We just don’t seem to get over the ‘come to us’ syndrome versus the ‘go to others’ commission. In this matter I found huge help from ‘The Shaping of Things to Come’ by two Australians, Michael Frost and Alan Hirsch (ex-South African)…
That’s what I was going to say! I helped plant a church with that entire catalog 5 years ago and a year ago felt so disconnected and used up I started praying to find something more. Eventually my search led me to identifying with the Dones and now I’m praying for relationships. True “heartfelt” ☺ relationships…
Thanks for the light-herted way to present the issues AND THE MAIN ISSUE.
I had to laugh when I saw the ear plug dispenser because of having just started wearing them at church in November. It is so loud! The rock concert stage production is not worship to me, but glancing around the room others seem to engage if raising hands is an indication. In the modern Evangelical church movement I am now convinced personal participation through singing is not the objective. In the church we attend, the concert is simply an extension of the points of the upcoming pastor’s message. If we sing or not isn’t the issue. Instead it has become: Are we being saturated in what the pastor is “led” to share. As our iDevices have trained us to consume media to feel connected to others, a church service of this type is a carefully choreographed production to be consumed and thereby feel connected to God. I’m surprised we haven’t started texting “Amens” and “Hallelujahs” to some screen that scrolls them along the upper reaches of the stage with Likes or appropriate emojis. I still think someday someone will find a hymnal and be amazed at all of these great songs we should be singing! Until then, it’s nice to know I’m not alone in noticing these things. Thanks Thom
I would love to see a “Pre Forgiveness Box” set into the wall. Just put your cash in skip the alter call and your set for the week.
Out west here, it is coffee and flavored drinks that are all the rage; we can forget the Holy Spirit if we are spirited by sugar and caffeine. Most churches have a ‘canteen’ for purchasing drinks with the ‘profits’ going to this or that ministry or mission. Are we ‘done,’ or is God ‘done’ with us?